Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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