Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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