here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
