It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
