Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
