The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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