I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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