Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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