i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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