i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
