I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
