Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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