my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
