I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
