watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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