I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize