vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
