So drunk its hurt
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
