my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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