drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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