At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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