I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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