i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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