He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
