My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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