Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
