Ketchup is God's man juice
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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