She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
