Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
