Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
