I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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