We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
