I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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