I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
