You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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