Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I lost the right to judge tonight
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
