Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
