The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
