How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
