I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You are a genius and a whore.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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