i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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