I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
