Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He did a backflip because drugs
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