My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
