I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
