Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
