my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
