just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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