there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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