At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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