You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
