he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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