fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
