i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
