Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
