I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
