You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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