I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
